I think I must just have a really boring life. When I first started with this blogging stuff, I was just getting started on Etsy and still pretty new to being … unemployed. That word can have very negative connotations, but in this case it was by choice. I chose to leave a job that was emotionally unfulfulling and way beneath my mental capacity. I did it well using about 10% of my available brainpower and had the rest left over lamenting the fact that I was there having to let welfare bums tell me how bad an employee I was when they were chronically unemployed and living off of my tax dollars. Bitter much? you might ask and I would say not exactly. Irritated more truthfully. Riteously incensed.
I worked at Wal Mart for almost 2 years and in my time at the one in this state, I learned to hate people that I didn’t know. Thats so sad isn’t it? But as I worked my @$$ off for 7.15 an hour, doing everything but … well I actually did almost everything… I would have customers come through my register on a daily basis buying steak and lobster and many other expensive foods that I could never afford with their handy dandy EBT cards. I really got mad when they would then pull out a hundred dollar bill for booze and cigarettes. This made me a little crazy when I was lucky to afford Ramen noodles and gas for my truck so I could get to work the next day. When I first moved back to Missouri I was renting a ‘79 mobile home that had jalousy windows that didn’t close and a door that was easily kicked open if you locked yourself out. (Fortunately Jarell was the only guy who managed this and he was handy for the several times I locked myself out but others tried) It froze in the winter, literally and got to temperatures of more than 100 in the summer and I only had to pay 400 a month for it. Before utilities. This is not a sob story but a bitch fest.
I was explaining why I quit working for other people. Thats why. But I thought I would do something productive when I was home all the time. I hate cleaning but I rationalized that if I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t mind it so much. I was wrong. I thought I would craft more and do something with my work. I think I actually craft less now. I thought at least blogging I could do, but I find that I feel most of the time that I have nothing of value to say. Why is this? I lead a good life that makes me happy and is very fulfulling so what is it that makes it seem so dull? Is it familiarity breeding contempt? Or am I just in a funk.
Its been years since I had a summer to myself to do with as I please and I find it incredibly liberating and restricting all at once. I love that I have all this free time, but I feel guilty about having fun doing the things I enjoy while my husband works too hard providing for the family. I also know unequivocably that if I were working I would be spending more than I make which is why I stay home away from temptation. That is the real truth. I was, I think, costing us money when I worked because I was always out running and finding things to buy that I really wanted and after all it was on sale or so cheap. And then I would think of my MIL who spends her days spending hundreds of dollars and I didn’t want to be like her. We didn’t need the income from my job– it was basically spending money for me- so when we came back from Mexico, I didn’t replace it. But now… I just feel directionless. Has this ever happened to you all? Sorry this is such a long and rambling post, I will space it out a bit before publishing.
