Oh geez I disappeared again…. August 24, 2009

Well in my defense I’ve been kinda busy and going through some weird stuff. Nothing I can divulge here- too many ears (or would that be eyes) that might get offended.

The remainder of the trip to Michigan was where we left off I believe. It went well the whole thing from Missouri to Michigan only taking 15 hours instead of the 18 it took to go the other direction. Thank goodness for the GPS my father in law loaned me. I got to spend a bunch of time hanging out with my cousins while I was up there and that was a blast. Being in Michigan is almost like being home for me because throughout my life it has been the one constant for me. My dad got remarried and the house where I grew up is no longer the same. My mom moved more times than I feel like counting so that the place where she lives is no longer home to me. But my grandparent’s house still looks the same, smells the same, has the same furniture, and walking through the door is like walking back in time to my childhood. But sadly the place was never built to be a permanent residence- more like a weekend retreat- and years of abuse by us grand kids (we were tough on the place) and an increasing inability for my aging grandparent’s to keep up with the place (that has stairs and 20 acres) has  reached the point where it probably isn’t fit to live in. My poor aunt has been working to get them to an assisted living facility near her and things are finally moving in that direction. My grampa wants out of the country- he’s tired and its hard for him to keep up with everything that needs to be done that my gramma can’t do anymore. My gramma on the other hand isn’t quite in touch with reality anymore. She has convinced herself that this is all just a phase that will pass and then she’ll be back to her old self. But the truth is she’s on the edges of dementia be having cataract surgery in September, (the excuse for the move to assisted living for now) and above all that, she’s 82 years old. So this trip had some very bittersweet moments for me. I got to spend quite a bit of time getting to know my cousins in their own rights as adults and had a chance to update the memories of all of us spending summer days running free through the pines on my grandparent’s property. I learned that the two other granddaughters and I share many of the same likes, dislikes, and random personality traits and its wonderful to know that I’m not alone out there. Our lives have shared some very odd parallels at times that I have only recently discovered but they are things that have shaped us into the women we’ve become.

Returning home was the hardest part of all. I was so happy to see Jarell and my home, my dogs, my fish (yes a few of them are still around) and even my sorely neglected garden but it was so hard to leave the family that I’ve only started to get to know. I’m alternately homesick and ecstatic to be where my husband is because no place is truly home without him. I have friends here too that thanks to Facebook I’m reconnecting with and for that I am so thankful because I realized when I got home how truly lonely I’ve been. I get along with Jarell’s family most of the time (altho currently I think they’re mad at me because I exploded about some stuff at home) but my friends who knew before I became Melissa Sisk are a treasure. They knew me when I was more carefree before I had to grow up and be responsible and when I talk to them I am able to reclaim some of that youth. Now before any of you comment on my age I know I’m not very old but I feel ancient in my soul and its dragging me down. If you’re only as old as you feel then I’m 70 years old with my worries about money, family, and life in general. Middle aged at 23 and not sure how to go about being young again because I’m not sure I ever was. I know theres a difference between being responsible and feeling old but I’m not sure what it is. So for now I’m going to do my best to keep in touch with my youth and hope that something changes soon.

The other big change in my life came only yesterday. This may seem silly to some of you (well okay most of you) but it makes me sad. I’m a mechanic’s daughter and as such grew up loving a good car. When I bought my first vehicle (an 87 Toyota truck) it was love at first sight. It reminded me of the truck my dad had when I was little (his was an 85 so the body was a little different but very similar in many ways) and even tho it was more than I had initially planned to spend I bought the truck after the dealer agreed to replace the radiator. I learned to drive in that truck and it got me to and from work and then helped me move back to Missouri when I came home. We made an unplanned stop in Denver and got the oil changed which proved to be a mistake as we barely arrived in Missouri but it got us there. It cracked the head however and so my dad replaced the engine. The truck was running and driving great again and got me where I needed to go with no complaints. Its overdrive was…. quirky and so we had that repaired. Then it needed the starter motor replaced (I called that one but no one believed me till it went out). Finally last summer it was sluggish. It would start and then die when I put it in gear. But only when I drove it. On the rare occasions that Jarell or my dad drove it, it put on a brave face and ran like a dream but I knew it was sick. Then one day, as I hopped in it to run up to the mailbox, it started smoking like a chimney- billowing clouds of yellow smoke. I drove the hundred feet back down to the house and shut off the engine. My dad asked me to restart it to see what the smoke smelled like but it wouldn’t even turn over. Ever since then it has sat with promises of getting it fixed. The problem has been that either we didn’t have the money or my dad didn’t have the time- we’ve never managed to line the two up together. So yesterday after a great deal of thought I decided that we should put it up for sale as is so that someone else can get a decent vehicle with some work put into it. We’ll probably get less than a 10th of what we have in it and I can’t even say that I’ve gotten my money’s worth because I’ve owned it for 4 years but only actually driven it for about 1 year and a half out of that time due to one thing or another. So its a sad deal all around. But as soon as I can get Craigslist to function properly I’m listing it there and it will move to sit at the front of our property. I won’t be surprised if it sells because it has had offers made on it even when not running due to its extra long bed and being an automatic. But I’m sad. Its going to be like losing a friend when we sell my little truck.

The Ritz its Not August 11, 2009

Driving through the little town of Kankakee IL you see some strange things. This is a town thats obviously been hard hit by the times altho judging by the looks of things it was probably dying before the economy went to hell in a handbasket so to speak. The long closed gas station with $1.05 as its last price is a good indicator that this town has been dying for a decade at least. The new Wal Mart on the Highway alongside shiny new gas stations with pay at the pump, a combination KFC and Taco Bell and the requisite McDonald’s all speak of a civilization moving faster and faster away from the small town life. In fact judging by the local’s attire and mannerisms the only thing keeping this town alive is the community college at the center of it all. That or Bikini Night on Saturday’s at the local bar.

As we drove into the town away from all the new, my hopes for finding a decent place to stay that wasn’t an extra 10 miles out of our way faltered. We came upon the Economy Inn with its Dine in- Carry out “restaurant” just when I had given up hope. Altho it was obviously from another place in time (still utilizing real metal keys to lock the doors!) it met the requirements of a clean non-smoking room with double beds near a decent restaurant (best food this side of Chicago according to the night clerk). We paid the amazingly low fee and set off to dine at that aforementioned eaterie.

The restaurant was a blast from the past with a much autographed page celebrating 100 years of business from three years ago. The interior decorating can only be described as 70’s kitsch with a few small attempts at modernization. It boasts a sunken eating area around a large fireplace, copper coated table tops imprinted with “leaf” skeletons, and a wide variety of food for a not terrible price. Our meals ordered I sat back to laugh (inwardly only) at the tipsy middle aged women at the table next to us who were celebrating a birthday in style.

Our food when it arrived was plentiful and decent- nothing spectacular to write home about but not the worst food in the world. While my grandparents finished eating I wandered around taking pictures to share with my husband when I return home (I’ll share them with you too of course). The place had a unique charm to it despite (or maybe because of ) the vintage feel to it.

When we arrived back at the hotel the reality the place began to sink in. The beds were full sized which was fine for me but a bit snug for my poor grandparents. The bathroom was clean but… worn. Upon awakening this morning I was thankful that my gramma had packed shampoo because this hotel room boasted only one bar of soap and not single bottle of shampoo in sight. The towels provided would (draped lengthwise) cover my front, or my back, or half of each but not all of the above- forget wrapping them around if that had been a necessity because they would have only covered a top or bottom without using more than one. Now as I sit here waiting on my grandparents and running down the battery on my trusty laptop I think to myself- $70 isn’t such a bad price for a hotel room but $45 is just too cheap. Gah!

Oh holy cow August 7, 2009

Well I’ve survived so far folks. On Sunday I’ll head back to Michigan with my grandparents and then spend a little time with my cousins (Woo Hoo!) and then its back home to the crazy life for me. Still a lot to do for the anniversary party at the end of the month but I did get the invites finished. Its not much and we’re almost out of time for that but its a start.

I got to hang out with an old friend from high school today which is one of the nicest treats I’ve had in a while altho there was a dark spot where I was concerned that someone will decide to start rumors just because my friend happens to be a guy. In case there was ever any doubt at all I tell Jarell everything- there are no secrets between us and I most certainly wouldn’t invite a friend over (male or female) and hide it from him. Good gosh!

Sorry now that thats out of my system. Back to our regular scheduled programing which is….. a whole lotta nothing. Pictures of the Michigan trip soon. Have fun folks!

I’m afraid of flying August 2, 2009

Like big time. So when I said I would fly to Michigan tomorrow to drive my Grandparents down here and then in two weeks after driving back up there with them I’d fly home it was with no small amount of trepidation. My stomach is in knots and I’m trying my hardest not to think about it. For those of you who know me well enough to know that I spent 9 years flying back and forth between Missouri and California every summer to visit first my dad and then my mom this may come as something of a surprise to you. The truth is I didn’t used to be so scared. It wasn’t until I was 13 or so that it first started to make me nervouse and its only been within the last couple of years that its become something that will bring me to tears just thinking of it. Flying is not as dangerous as driving people say. You’re more likely to die in a car crash than a plane. Thats what they tell you. But they probably never think about the fact that there are a hell of a lot more people driving than there are flying so those are really poorly thought out statistics. And besides that, who cares? It doesn’t make me any less scared. This is a phobia and its really hard to get around phobias. But I won’t let my fears manage me.

So I’ll take my laptop and my book and an embroidery project. Things to keep my mind busy. Things to help me avoid thinking of what could go wrong and instead think of being back in Michigan again- one of my favorite places to be. I wish Jarell were going with me- that would make it so much easier. Being separated from him is probably the hardest part of this whole trip. I need good thoughts from all my friends out there to send me on my way and bring me back home safely.

Melissa