Thought I’d drop by and say hi October 26, 2009

I had a whole long post written and it disappeared into the ether so I’m just going to say that I lost my aunt over the weekend. I miss her already but I know she’s in a better place now. She lost her battle with cancer. Or maybe she finally won in the only way she could- she’s at peace now. Its the rest of us left behind who have lost someone dear to us but I like to think we’ve only lost contact for the time being. I know I’ll see her someday and that she and my other aunt and gramma are up there watching over us right now. I wish I had gotten a chance to say goodbye. I let fear hold me back. A good friend told me to ask her if she’d had a good life and I would like to believe the answer was yes. I know the part she played my life was good and I will miss her.

 Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.                                                                                                                                                                                         

          -Mary Frye 1932

Oh geez I disappeared again…. August 24, 2009

Well in my defense I’ve been kinda busy and going through some weird stuff. Nothing I can divulge here- too many ears (or would that be eyes) that might get offended.

The remainder of the trip to Michigan was where we left off I believe. It went well the whole thing from Missouri to Michigan only taking 15 hours instead of the 18 it took to go the other direction. Thank goodness for the GPS my father in law loaned me. I got to spend a bunch of time hanging out with my cousins while I was up there and that was a blast. Being in Michigan is almost like being home for me because throughout my life it has been the one constant for me. My dad got remarried and the house where I grew up is no longer the same. My mom moved more times than I feel like counting so that the place where she lives is no longer home to me. But my grandparent’s house still looks the same, smells the same, has the same furniture, and walking through the door is like walking back in time to my childhood. But sadly the place was never built to be a permanent residence- more like a weekend retreat- and years of abuse by us grand kids (we were tough on the place) and an increasing inability for my aging grandparent’s to keep up with the place (that has stairs and 20 acres) has  reached the point where it probably isn’t fit to live in. My poor aunt has been working to get them to an assisted living facility near her and things are finally moving in that direction. My grampa wants out of the country- he’s tired and its hard for him to keep up with everything that needs to be done that my gramma can’t do anymore. My gramma on the other hand isn’t quite in touch with reality anymore. She has convinced herself that this is all just a phase that will pass and then she’ll be back to her old self. But the truth is she’s on the edges of dementia be having cataract surgery in September, (the excuse for the move to assisted living for now) and above all that, she’s 82 years old. So this trip had some very bittersweet moments for me. I got to spend quite a bit of time getting to know my cousins in their own rights as adults and had a chance to update the memories of all of us spending summer days running free through the pines on my grandparent’s property. I learned that the two other granddaughters and I share many of the same likes, dislikes, and random personality traits and its wonderful to know that I’m not alone out there. Our lives have shared some very odd parallels at times that I have only recently discovered but they are things that have shaped us into the women we’ve become.

Returning home was the hardest part of all. I was so happy to see Jarell and my home, my dogs, my fish (yes a few of them are still around) and even my sorely neglected garden but it was so hard to leave the family that I’ve only started to get to know. I’m alternately homesick and ecstatic to be where my husband is because no place is truly home without him. I have friends here too that thanks to Facebook I’m reconnecting with and for that I am so thankful because I realized when I got home how truly lonely I’ve been. I get along with Jarell’s family most of the time (altho currently I think they’re mad at me because I exploded about some stuff at home) but my friends who knew before I became Melissa Sisk are a treasure. They knew me when I was more carefree before I had to grow up and be responsible and when I talk to them I am able to reclaim some of that youth. Now before any of you comment on my age I know I’m not very old but I feel ancient in my soul and its dragging me down. If you’re only as old as you feel then I’m 70 years old with my worries about money, family, and life in general. Middle aged at 23 and not sure how to go about being young again because I’m not sure I ever was. I know theres a difference between being responsible and feeling old but I’m not sure what it is. So for now I’m going to do my best to keep in touch with my youth and hope that something changes soon.

The other big change in my life came only yesterday. This may seem silly to some of you (well okay most of you) but it makes me sad. I’m a mechanic’s daughter and as such grew up loving a good car. When I bought my first vehicle (an 87 Toyota truck) it was love at first sight. It reminded me of the truck my dad had when I was little (his was an 85 so the body was a little different but very similar in many ways) and even tho it was more than I had initially planned to spend I bought the truck after the dealer agreed to replace the radiator. I learned to drive in that truck and it got me to and from work and then helped me move back to Missouri when I came home. We made an unplanned stop in Denver and got the oil changed which proved to be a mistake as we barely arrived in Missouri but it got us there. It cracked the head however and so my dad replaced the engine. The truck was running and driving great again and got me where I needed to go with no complaints. Its overdrive was…. quirky and so we had that repaired. Then it needed the starter motor replaced (I called that one but no one believed me till it went out). Finally last summer it was sluggish. It would start and then die when I put it in gear. But only when I drove it. On the rare occasions that Jarell or my dad drove it, it put on a brave face and ran like a dream but I knew it was sick. Then one day, as I hopped in it to run up to the mailbox, it started smoking like a chimney- billowing clouds of yellow smoke. I drove the hundred feet back down to the house and shut off the engine. My dad asked me to restart it to see what the smoke smelled like but it wouldn’t even turn over. Ever since then it has sat with promises of getting it fixed. The problem has been that either we didn’t have the money or my dad didn’t have the time- we’ve never managed to line the two up together. So yesterday after a great deal of thought I decided that we should put it up for sale as is so that someone else can get a decent vehicle with some work put into it. We’ll probably get less than a 10th of what we have in it and I can’t even say that I’ve gotten my money’s worth because I’ve owned it for 4 years but only actually driven it for about 1 year and a half out of that time due to one thing or another. So its a sad deal all around. But as soon as I can get Craigslist to function properly I’m listing it there and it will move to sit at the front of our property. I won’t be surprised if it sells because it has had offers made on it even when not running due to its extra long bed and being an automatic. But I’m sad. Its going to be like losing a friend when we sell my little truck.

I’m afraid of flying August 2, 2009

Like big time. So when I said I would fly to Michigan tomorrow to drive my Grandparents down here and then in two weeks after driving back up there with them I’d fly home it was with no small amount of trepidation. My stomach is in knots and I’m trying my hardest not to think about it. For those of you who know me well enough to know that I spent 9 years flying back and forth between Missouri and California every summer to visit first my dad and then my mom this may come as something of a surprise to you. The truth is I didn’t used to be so scared. It wasn’t until I was 13 or so that it first started to make me nervouse and its only been within the last couple of years that its become something that will bring me to tears just thinking of it. Flying is not as dangerous as driving people say. You’re more likely to die in a car crash than a plane. Thats what they tell you. But they probably never think about the fact that there are a hell of a lot more people driving than there are flying so those are really poorly thought out statistics. And besides that, who cares? It doesn’t make me any less scared. This is a phobia and its really hard to get around phobias. But I won’t let my fears manage me.

So I’ll take my laptop and my book and an embroidery project. Things to keep my mind busy. Things to help me avoid thinking of what could go wrong and instead think of being back in Michigan again- one of my favorite places to be. I wish Jarell were going with me- that would make it so much easier. Being separated from him is probably the hardest part of this whole trip. I need good thoughts from all my friends out there to send me on my way and bring me back home safely.

Melissa

Memories July 25, 2009

Last night I had the chance to relive some of the most wonderful memories of my life. Memories made with friends who are very dear to me. Memories made sitting backstage in a crowded pit orchestra, running wild around the school on a weekend during a rehearsal, riding endless school buses for hours to play or sing somewhere, standing onstage in front of any number of people giving our all. Last night I got to watch Bubs (J13) make some of those memories for himself and I have little doubt that in years to come they will mean just as much to him as mine do to me.

Balancing act

I have had the privilege of watching him grow from a young child more likely to hide if there was a strange girl in the room to an awkward teen trying to make everyone happy while hiding out himself in the shadow of his older brothers to the confident young man I saw last night both up on stage and afterwards with his family and friends.

My handsome husband on the left and Bubs on the right with other Sisks in the picture

Bubs* we are so proud of you kiddo!

*names have been changed by various family members over the years so that now only a select few of us even know his real name any more and thus he goes by Bubs, Bubba, Bogus, Boy etcetera

Michelin Man costume? July 5, 2009

This is my SIL in her Renaissance Festival costume. See Dana? Its like the Michelin Man’s arms. But she looks so pretty anyway- even way outside her comfort zone in all those bright colors. If anyone is in the Kansas City area you should definitely check out the KC Ren Fest starting Labor Day weekend. If you watch you can see my SIL’s and my youngest BIL dressed like this.

Don’t ask why he was strangling J12. J13 is the only twin participating in the ren fest but J12 helped out with the parade because they were short on gypsy boys.

See still here June 2, 2009

Hi all I just wanted to stop in to share a couple of quick shots. I’ll probably have more later today as I plan to take some of the camper I mentioned yesterday. The top picture is of Kevin and his girlfriend on the Carousel at a local mall. Yeah, I did say that was a carousel at a mall, how cool is that? Bet your mall doesn’t have one of those. The bottome shot is me and Kevin standing in front of a large tree shaped change machine at the same mall. I am wearing a shirt that I just made this weekend and feeling very slim in this shot compared to some others. *grins* Hooray for the Wii Fit and Yoga.

Okay thats all for now. I’ll talk to you all soon. Gotta explain to Kevin that yelling at the tv will not make the game hear him better.

Living June 1, 2009

I’ve been having so much fun this last week that I haven’t wanted to even go near the computer. I’m sorry but that just the truth. It started with Jarell and I celebrating last weekend. We were celebrating having our house to ourselves for a few days before my brother got here from California. We went out to eat and then on the way home we stopped at Wal Mart where Jarell bought me a belated birthday gift in the form of a Wii Fit. Now some of you are probably thinking, “How awful!” or something like that, but I was standing there with big sad puppy eyes holding it and saying “Pretty please!” so it was completely my idea. And I’m glad I got it because its so much fun to play with. It insults me a lot and sometimes I want to punch Javier (the name I gave to my trainer) but I actually enjoy doing the workouts and I like stepping onto it and having it tell me I’m on track for my weightloss. Its someone besides my loving husband to be accountable to for all the extra snacks and bad food choices I make.

Wednesday Kevin and Emily got here and they are officially at the top of the list for best houseguests ever. Its been a blast having them here and I wish the time would pass a little bit more slowly because I’ve always been close to my brother and his girlfriend is the sweetest girl in the world. We’ve just spent time hanging out catching up, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. Its been pretty peaceful aside from this weekend which was total chaos.

Three of my sister in laws and one of my brother in laws are participating in the Kansas City Renaissance Festival this year and they have some major requirements involved in this. They have rehearsals and meetings every week and often several times a week which becomes a bit taxing on one of my sister in laws because she lives about 35 miles east of me but the place where the rehearsals is held is about 30 miles west of me. Its hell on gas and time and so this weekend we offered her and J7 a bed here at our house since she had to be in Independence at 9 o’clock on both Saturday and Sunday. This would have been all fine and dandy if Jarell hadn’t also decided to have one of his friends over for the weekend so that all the guys could have a Halo tournament complete with two extra tv’s and J12 and J14 as well. It was a very full house and I was cranky and hormonal and by the time all was said and done I felt like the house was going to drive me insane. It would not be possible to find someone happier than I was last night when everyone finally left and it was back to just the four of us. Oh my gah I sat down and breathed deeply and then we watched a movie while enjoying a supreme feeling of peace and tranquility.

In the midst of all that chaos I managed to finish most of the replacement curtains that I have been making for the 17 year old camper that we’ll be using for this year’s family reunion because the poor thing was originally decorated in shades of yuck and Oh my god thats Ugly! (or dusty rose and watered down powdery blue with hints of beige beige and more beige) I’ll see if I can gets some pictures so you can truly understand my trauma now that my camera is functioning again. Not only did I manage make new curtains which were fairly simple affairs, I also made slip covers for the ugly ass couch so that it wouldn’t give me nightmares for the whole two weeks we were camping. It has a matching chair that will just have to be covered with a blanket or sheet, but anything is worth it to make that all slightly less unappealing and I am succeeding slowly but surely.

Finally and this is a bit out of order, during the Memorial day weekend my cousin and her husband came down from Michigan to visit her mom and we had a chance to all have a nice barbecue and do some catching up. I only wish we all lived closer because my family spreads literally from coast to coast and that makes it kinda tough to stay in touch sometimes. Thank goodness for the internet or I don’t know where we’d be.

Breathing May 19, 2009

Just trying to breathe. Its been a busy month here in the Sisk household. Sunday we finally got my youngest brother’s graduation over and done with. It was a bit tense at the dinner with both my parents and my stepmom but it worked out okay and any remaining tension disappeared after I managed to fall off my four inch heels and twist my ankle pretty bad. Yay me! You know they say the lady’s name is Grace? Well that was definitely me as my heel rocked off the edge of a tiled area onto the carpet at the restaurant we were eating at.

Today my mom and I spent some time with my grampa this morning and then went to lunch with my former aunt. We ended the day with my mom’s oldest sister.We went to dinner at Ryan’s. When Jarell went to the restroom there was a Baby Changing Station that had been slightly altered. It read Baby Hanging Station instead and he had just told us about that. I got my mom and my aunt laughing at his telling of the story. 

Its been a  nice month and I enjoyed having my mom here, but Jarell and I will be glad to have our house to ourselves again even tho it’s only a week till my middle brother and his girlfriend get here.

Thats right. This is the summer of the houseguests. K will be here till  the 10th so we’ll have a chance to catch up and then after he goes home we’ll have about 3 days till we have to head off to the family reunion. Fun fun!!!

I have little doube that my posts are going to be sporadic for a while longer- at least til we’ve gotten past all the craziness but I’m still here reading your blogs so don’t give up on me.

“Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!” But I’m not dead yet May 15, 2009

I know I keep trying to convince you guys of that but its really the truth. We’ve just been really busy around here and I honestly haven’t spent much time on the internet. The weather here has been wonderful aside from random rainstorms and I’ve been taking advantage of the chance to be outside as much as possible

We’ve been dealing with lots of drama here lately from certain family members which has made things ever so much more fun than normal. My step mom seems to have taken offense to the idea that my mom might have a right to have some say in how my brother is treated and that just makes her get mad at my brother. I got mad at my dad for standing up for her instead of for my little brother. My MIL took offense at something J11 said and tore into her in a fight that ended with J11 coming and staying here for the night just 2 days after her 18th birthday.

Theres been happy stuff too of course. I’ve really enjoyed spending time with my mom and we had a family get together for Mother’s Day that included only people that I wanted to spend time with instead of the obligatory extra’s that come from my inlaws and my dad… (oops did I say that out loud?) Jarell has been helping me a whole bunch with my garden (the one I swear exists even tho I haven’t showed many pictures of it) and we’ve been making plans for ways to fix up our yard on as small a budget as possible. Also my middle brother will be coming out to visit (fingers crossed) with his girlfriend about a week after my mom goes home which means I get to see all my family this year and that makes me really happy.

Finally all of this ends in my youngest brother’s graduation from High School on Sunday. I’m so proud of him for finally making it through and doing it in the normal time- he won’t be going an extra year as far as I know. Congrats Clifford!

Since thats the case, he’s got a half day today and mom and I are going to head down to his school to get him and go run some errands so I’m going to go for now. I hope to be back soon with some pictures, but we’ll just have to see.

Lazy April 21, 2009

I used to visit here daily to see how many views I had. I would chat and share my life with you all, but of late I’ve become lazy. Or busy depending on how you look at it. My mom flew in on Saturday and we’ve been having fun just hanging out, planning meals and expeditions. Its been 5 years since she’s been in Missouri and much longer than that even, since she was here for any sort of extended period of time. She just completed her move to Washington and as she is temporarily (by choice) unemployed she was able to come out here to spend some time with my brother and I as well as her other family that lives here in the “Promised Land” (according to the RLDS and COC churches).

We got to spend a very special day on Sunday with my cousins and aunt for my aunt’s 66th birthday. She is the one who has cancer and (hooray!!!) she’s now in remission and sporting a very lovely and flattering new wig. I’m so happy for her to have come this far. My cousins’ daughters and son were a joy to spend some time with and at the ages of 19, 17, 12, 11, 7, 6, and 5 they are varied but I had a blast getting to know them. The 11 year old (going on 20) was fascinated with my camera and took dozens of pictures that I will try to share at a future date- she has a wonderful eye for beautiful composition. Her bubbly and effervescent personality overwhelm me and shame me because she has what appear to be similar stomach problems to mine and instead of being sad and mopey about them (not that there’s anything wrong with that) she mentions them in an offhand fashion and then goes back to having fun.  The 7 year old is like a little china doll- so tiny you’re sure she’s going to break but with a huge enthusiasm for life. I was amazed with her running commentary that was so sweet and also very intelligent for one so young.

My cousins who were more like aunts to me when I was little (being only 8 and 10 years my mom’s juniors) were fun to get to know again on an adult’s footing. One loves gardening as much as I do and she and I and my other cousin’s husband talked extensively about our future garden plans for this year. I had to laugh from time to time tho at the glazed looks on my other cousin’s, my mom’s, and my aunt’s faces as they did not inherit the love of green and growing things and I learned that once you get a bunch of gardeners going theres no stopping them. *grins*

I will try and come back with more soon and I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful spring that is slowly creeping across the land as winter finally retreats with its tail between its legs.