Oh geez I disappeared again…. August 24, 2009

Well in my defense I’ve been kinda busy and going through some weird stuff. Nothing I can divulge here- too many ears (or would that be eyes) that might get offended.

The remainder of the trip to Michigan was where we left off I believe. It went well the whole thing from Missouri to Michigan only taking 15 hours instead of the 18 it took to go the other direction. Thank goodness for the GPS my father in law loaned me. I got to spend a bunch of time hanging out with my cousins while I was up there and that was a blast. Being in Michigan is almost like being home for me because throughout my life it has been the one constant for me. My dad got remarried and the house where I grew up is no longer the same. My mom moved more times than I feel like counting so that the place where she lives is no longer home to me. But my grandparent’s house still looks the same, smells the same, has the same furniture, and walking through the door is like walking back in time to my childhood. But sadly the place was never built to be a permanent residence- more like a weekend retreat- and years of abuse by us grand kids (we were tough on the place) and an increasing inability for my aging grandparent’s to keep up with the place (that has stairs and 20 acres) has  reached the point where it probably isn’t fit to live in. My poor aunt has been working to get them to an assisted living facility near her and things are finally moving in that direction. My grampa wants out of the country- he’s tired and its hard for him to keep up with everything that needs to be done that my gramma can’t do anymore. My gramma on the other hand isn’t quite in touch with reality anymore. She has convinced herself that this is all just a phase that will pass and then she’ll be back to her old self. But the truth is she’s on the edges of dementia be having cataract surgery in September, (the excuse for the move to assisted living for now) and above all that, she’s 82 years old. So this trip had some very bittersweet moments for me. I got to spend quite a bit of time getting to know my cousins in their own rights as adults and had a chance to update the memories of all of us spending summer days running free through the pines on my grandparent’s property. I learned that the two other granddaughters and I share many of the same likes, dislikes, and random personality traits and its wonderful to know that I’m not alone out there. Our lives have shared some very odd parallels at times that I have only recently discovered but they are things that have shaped us into the women we’ve become.

Returning home was the hardest part of all. I was so happy to see Jarell and my home, my dogs, my fish (yes a few of them are still around) and even my sorely neglected garden but it was so hard to leave the family that I’ve only started to get to know. I’m alternately homesick and ecstatic to be where my husband is because no place is truly home without him. I have friends here too that thanks to Facebook I’m reconnecting with and for that I am so thankful because I realized when I got home how truly lonely I’ve been. I get along with Jarell’s family most of the time (altho currently I think they’re mad at me because I exploded about some stuff at home) but my friends who knew before I became Melissa Sisk are a treasure. They knew me when I was more carefree before I had to grow up and be responsible and when I talk to them I am able to reclaim some of that youth. Now before any of you comment on my age I know I’m not very old but I feel ancient in my soul and its dragging me down. If you’re only as old as you feel then I’m 70 years old with my worries about money, family, and life in general. Middle aged at 23 and not sure how to go about being young again because I’m not sure I ever was. I know theres a difference between being responsible and feeling old but I’m not sure what it is. So for now I’m going to do my best to keep in touch with my youth and hope that something changes soon.

The other big change in my life came only yesterday. This may seem silly to some of you (well okay most of you) but it makes me sad. I’m a mechanic’s daughter and as such grew up loving a good car. When I bought my first vehicle (an 87 Toyota truck) it was love at first sight. It reminded me of the truck my dad had when I was little (his was an 85 so the body was a little different but very similar in many ways) and even tho it was more than I had initially planned to spend I bought the truck after the dealer agreed to replace the radiator. I learned to drive in that truck and it got me to and from work and then helped me move back to Missouri when I came home. We made an unplanned stop in Denver and got the oil changed which proved to be a mistake as we barely arrived in Missouri but it got us there. It cracked the head however and so my dad replaced the engine. The truck was running and driving great again and got me where I needed to go with no complaints. Its overdrive was…. quirky and so we had that repaired. Then it needed the starter motor replaced (I called that one but no one believed me till it went out). Finally last summer it was sluggish. It would start and then die when I put it in gear. But only when I drove it. On the rare occasions that Jarell or my dad drove it, it put on a brave face and ran like a dream but I knew it was sick. Then one day, as I hopped in it to run up to the mailbox, it started smoking like a chimney- billowing clouds of yellow smoke. I drove the hundred feet back down to the house and shut off the engine. My dad asked me to restart it to see what the smoke smelled like but it wouldn’t even turn over. Ever since then it has sat with promises of getting it fixed. The problem has been that either we didn’t have the money or my dad didn’t have the time- we’ve never managed to line the two up together. So yesterday after a great deal of thought I decided that we should put it up for sale as is so that someone else can get a decent vehicle with some work put into it. We’ll probably get less than a 10th of what we have in it and I can’t even say that I’ve gotten my money’s worth because I’ve owned it for 4 years but only actually driven it for about 1 year and a half out of that time due to one thing or another. So its a sad deal all around. But as soon as I can get Craigslist to function properly I’m listing it there and it will move to sit at the front of our property. I won’t be surprised if it sells because it has had offers made on it even when not running due to its extra long bed and being an automatic. But I’m sad. Its going to be like losing a friend when we sell my little truck.

“Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!” But I’m not dead yet May 15, 2009

I know I keep trying to convince you guys of that but its really the truth. We’ve just been really busy around here and I honestly haven’t spent much time on the internet. The weather here has been wonderful aside from random rainstorms and I’ve been taking advantage of the chance to be outside as much as possible

We’ve been dealing with lots of drama here lately from certain family members which has made things ever so much more fun than normal. My step mom seems to have taken offense to the idea that my mom might have a right to have some say in how my brother is treated and that just makes her get mad at my brother. I got mad at my dad for standing up for her instead of for my little brother. My MIL took offense at something J11 said and tore into her in a fight that ended with J11 coming and staying here for the night just 2 days after her 18th birthday.

Theres been happy stuff too of course. I’ve really enjoyed spending time with my mom and we had a family get together for Mother’s Day that included only people that I wanted to spend time with instead of the obligatory extra’s that come from my inlaws and my dad… (oops did I say that out loud?) Jarell has been helping me a whole bunch with my garden (the one I swear exists even tho I haven’t showed many pictures of it) and we’ve been making plans for ways to fix up our yard on as small a budget as possible. Also my middle brother will be coming out to visit (fingers crossed) with his girlfriend about a week after my mom goes home which means I get to see all my family this year and that makes me really happy.

Finally all of this ends in my youngest brother’s graduation from High School on Sunday. I’m so proud of him for finally making it through and doing it in the normal time- he won’t be going an extra year as far as I know. Congrats Clifford!

Since thats the case, he’s got a half day today and mom and I are going to head down to his school to get him and go run some errands so I’m going to go for now. I hope to be back soon with some pictures, but we’ll just have to see.

I am a champion February 9, 2009

I’ve paid my dues -
Time after time -
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I’ve come through
(And we mean to go on and on and on and on)

I have my good days and my bad. I have days where I sit at the bottom of a pool of anger, despair, self-doubt and fear. They are very few and far between, but I believe that everyone has them from time to time. I also have days where I’m soaring at the top of my game, world, life. I love everything and everyone and have no doubts or worries. These are more common but also somewhat rare. Most days I spend in a happy medium. I am concerned about things like my health and our financial situation, but am happy to have what I do- a wonderful home, husband, family and friends.

I am a curious person. I want to learn anything and everything. I am also opinionated and outspoken. It earned me a great deal of dislike in high school when I first moved back to Missouri because I was never content to sit there and listen to other students give wrong answers if I knew the right one. I wanted to be a teacher and thats what I did- I taught along side my teachers. After the first year the really bitchy girls were gone and a lot of the kids recognized the benefit of having someone who spoke teacherese and teenager and my explanations of difficult problems helped them out a lot. I still give random lectures at home to the J’s because they take correspondence courses instead of going to public school so they don’t have the benefit of a teacher every day. Some days I’m digging biology and I might explain DNA to them and on other its history or literature. Its how I am.

I spend a lot of my time doing for others. I cook, clean, and craft for other people. I like to believe that I am kind and generous altho I will be the first to admit that I can be a bit jealous of our resources when they are limited. I still share more than I keep for myself. With my husband I take my younger siblings in law into our house on a weekly basis.

I am quick to judge, but I am willing and eager to change my judgment if I realize that I was wrong. I am always willing to admit I was wrong in arguments because people who hold out just because they can’t say they were wrong irritate me.

I am like a pit bull when it comes to perserverance. As stubborn as a mule, but not stupid. I will attack a problem from every side until I either decide its not worth my time or solve it to my satisfaction.

Some of you (okay most of you) will be wondering where this random seeming resume of me is coming from. I received a very negative and unpleasant message aimed at my heart over the weekend from an annonymous sender who aparently really dislikes me and I don’t know where the attack came from. I don’t know whether it was from a friend, family member, reader, or complete stranger and I don’t care. I do know that I wasn’t so upset by it as I was curious about it, but I’m going to let it go.  So if the sender is reading this, this is all the coverage you’re getting. As I finish typing this, you are gone from my mind. I had my say to you and now I am done.

 

Life November 6, 2008

Well I’m sure some of you must have been wondering if I had gone “gently into that good night” but the answer is no. I’ve just been busy.

This year has been one of those years where the giant batting machine of life has been pitching non-stop curve balls at us and it seems that just as soon as we knock one outta the park the next one is there ready to hit us in the face if we’re not careful. The most recent being our septic tank not draining properly and the cleanout pipe in our basement… overflowing. Yeah how disgusting and puke-worthy is that?

So we’ve been cleaning up after that mess in our basement and Jarell has been working on finishing a couple of .22’s he bought. They are the most beautiful things I’ve seen despite the fact that they are guns because of the amazing stocks he bought for them. They’re laminate or something like that in varying colors- one is pink, purple, blue, and green and the other is brown, green, black, and blue. The colors vary at different layers making for an absolutely amazing gun stock and I know this sounds silly, but I think they’re beautiful.

In this area and with car restoration my husband is an artist. The big burly guy that he is, he matches colors and styles so beautifully that you can’t help but admit that even something like a gun is a work of art. He has similar wonderful taste for our house helping me to create a space that is warm and inviting without being overly masculine or feminine- just comfortable and lovely. Yeah I really got the pick of the litter (and with 13 siblings, it almost IS a litter).  So if I’m absent a bit, just understand that I’m reveling in having my darling dearest home and here underfoot around the house. Tomorrow we go to take our three female dogs to get spayed (Yee haw) and then next week I’m sure he’ll be back to work and I’ll be back here.

For now I’m off to make some breakfast.

Waking up in someone else’s dream August 23, 2008

Me circa 2008… I

I mentioned once that I went to 9 schools in my school days. I figured out once that I had 52 different teachers (some I had multiple years) and who knows how many substitute teachers. I divided my life between the midwest and NorCal and at times spent summers in Michigan. Its funny, I love having my home and knowing where that is, but here lately I find myself longing for California or Michigan- a change of scenery. However I know as soon as I got there I would be longing for rednecks, mud runs, and my wonderful home where my heart definitely stays. I was inspired to think on these things by The Cheek of God here.

Its amazing what a life of different places can give you in this world. I often consider this, because I have two sets of friends for a long time- California and Missouri- and now I have all of you. Its sometimes difficult, as he relates, to try and explain the different groups to each other, but its not a bad thing. My friends in California knew me in my formative years when I was young and shy and cared what everyone else thought of me. My friends in Missouri knew me as I began to grow up and decided what everyone else thought was a bunch of crap and I was going to live my life my way. And now, you all get to watch me grow into my true self.

I don’t plan to ever fully grow up, but I am becoming my own person away from my parents. I have a new name, a new life, a new husband. (and I’m a new wife… sorry couldn’t resist that rhyme scheme) I am reinventing myself and becoming able to ignore all the things I was for everyone else and just be who I am for me. For better or worse, I am. My dad once quoted a Faith Hill song about me in a sermon in church of all places. “Daddy’s little girl, Mama’s little angel, Teacher’s pet, and pagent queen (well never that) All my life I’ve been pleasing everyone but me. Waking up in someone else’s dream.” I don’t remember exactly what the moral was altho he went on to mention that for the little bit of a person I was, I dreamed big. No one would ever guess from looking at me that I played the baritone horn or had a voice that could belt like mine did when the need arose. But I still hid behind the guise of everyone’s little darling.

Well now its finally my time to shine. I’m living my own dream here folks and you guys have ring side seats. It may get a bit sloppy and nostalgic from time to time and I’m not always grammaticly or politicly correct, but here I am world.

Me circa 2004