I’m afraid of flying August 2, 2009

Like big time. So when I said I would fly to Michigan tomorrow to drive my Grandparents down here and then in two weeks after driving back up there with them I’d fly home it was with no small amount of trepidation. My stomach is in knots and I’m trying my hardest not to think about it. For those of you who know me well enough to know that I spent 9 years flying back and forth between Missouri and California every summer to visit first my dad and then my mom this may come as something of a surprise to you. The truth is I didn’t used to be so scared. It wasn’t until I was 13 or so that it first started to make me nervouse and its only been within the last couple of years that its become something that will bring me to tears just thinking of it. Flying is not as dangerous as driving people say. You’re more likely to die in a car crash than a plane. Thats what they tell you. But they probably never think about the fact that there are a hell of a lot more people driving than there are flying so those are really poorly thought out statistics. And besides that, who cares? It doesn’t make me any less scared. This is a phobia and its really hard to get around phobias. But I won’t let my fears manage me.

So I’ll take my laptop and my book and an embroidery project. Things to keep my mind busy. Things to help me avoid thinking of what could go wrong and instead think of being back in Michigan again- one of my favorite places to be. I wish Jarell were going with me- that would make it so much easier. Being separated from him is probably the hardest part of this whole trip. I need good thoughts from all my friends out there to send me on my way and bring me back home safely.

Melissa

I am a champion February 9, 2009

I’ve paid my dues -
Time after time -
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I’ve come through
(And we mean to go on and on and on and on)

I have my good days and my bad. I have days where I sit at the bottom of a pool of anger, despair, self-doubt and fear. They are very few and far between, but I believe that everyone has them from time to time. I also have days where I’m soaring at the top of my game, world, life. I love everything and everyone and have no doubts or worries. These are more common but also somewhat rare. Most days I spend in a happy medium. I am concerned about things like my health and our financial situation, but am happy to have what I do- a wonderful home, husband, family and friends.

I am a curious person. I want to learn anything and everything. I am also opinionated and outspoken. It earned me a great deal of dislike in high school when I first moved back to Missouri because I was never content to sit there and listen to other students give wrong answers if I knew the right one. I wanted to be a teacher and thats what I did- I taught along side my teachers. After the first year the really bitchy girls were gone and a lot of the kids recognized the benefit of having someone who spoke teacherese and teenager and my explanations of difficult problems helped them out a lot. I still give random lectures at home to the J’s because they take correspondence courses instead of going to public school so they don’t have the benefit of a teacher every day. Some days I’m digging biology and I might explain DNA to them and on other its history or literature. Its how I am.

I spend a lot of my time doing for others. I cook, clean, and craft for other people. I like to believe that I am kind and generous altho I will be the first to admit that I can be a bit jealous of our resources when they are limited. I still share more than I keep for myself. With my husband I take my younger siblings in law into our house on a weekly basis.

I am quick to judge, but I am willing and eager to change my judgment if I realize that I was wrong. I am always willing to admit I was wrong in arguments because people who hold out just because they can’t say they were wrong irritate me.

I am like a pit bull when it comes to perserverance. As stubborn as a mule, but not stupid. I will attack a problem from every side until I either decide its not worth my time or solve it to my satisfaction.

Some of you (okay most of you) will be wondering where this random seeming resume of me is coming from. I received a very negative and unpleasant message aimed at my heart over the weekend from an annonymous sender who aparently really dislikes me and I don’t know where the attack came from. I don’t know whether it was from a friend, family member, reader, or complete stranger and I don’t care. I do know that I wasn’t so upset by it as I was curious about it, but I’m going to let it go.  So if the sender is reading this, this is all the coverage you’re getting. As I finish typing this, you are gone from my mind. I had my say to you and now I am done.

 

In Remembrance July 12, 2008

6 years ago give or take a few days, my aunt Marti lost the battle with cancer that had been raging in her body for just a short year and a half. She found out about it in early 2001 about a week before her mother’s death. The cancer was removed, but somehow it snuck past the doctors and moved into her brain and set up camp there in an area where its malignant tumors were inoperable. So my aunt who had always been active and kind of an angel to everyone was confined to her bed. When her hair fell out, her husband shaved his head so they could have the same hair cut. He kept her laughing and for that we were grateful. My mom and I went and spent a long weekend with her in June of 2002 singing and joking about old times. She was my mom’s little sister and since they were only about 2 years apart, they were pretty close. The youngest of 8 they tended to stick together as they became adults. When I was growing up there were two aunts who had made the move here to Missouri and Marti was one of them. She taught me to make pillows for my Barbies and had the most awesome Super Mario games for the Nintendo. She let me turn her swingset slide into a water slide and put up with countless hours Carmen SanDiego on the computer. She was the aunt that I only hope to be and tho she never had any children, (her first husband convinced her to get a hysterectomy at a very young age) she was wonderful with us. We stayed with her when my mom had a nervous breakdown and she made it less scary that my mom was in the hospital for two weeks. When she died there was a service held in Osage Beach where she had lived, but a couple weeks later there was another one held for all the family in California in one of the towns where she and my mom grew up. I was out there visiting my mom and so I went. My mom had written a song for her and we sang it at the memorial. Then my aunt’s ashes were scattered over the Pacific Ocean at Pacific Grove. It was a rough couple of days where I tried to be happy that she wasn’t hurting any more but was home with her lord. At 16 thats hard. At 22 I miss her more than ever and I know my mom does too. What I took away from this tho was to love those who are still around as if tomorrow might not get here. Lives are often cut short well before we’re ready to let someone go so I try to make the best of the time I have. I know this post rambles and is long, but its hard to stop the memories.

Light a Candle by Frieda Bacon

Light a candle to remember me 

No more sorrow

All is as it should be

Open your eyes

Open your eyes

I am living on in the skies

Light a candle to remember me

Stand and bear witness

Love is my legacy

Open your arms

Open your arms

I am living on in your hearts

Oh how lovely to be with you here

My sweet reunion

All my loved ones are near

Look to the flame

Look to the flame

I am dancing on just the same

Look to the flame

Look to the flame

I am dancing on just the same