Oh geez I disappeared again…. August 24, 2009

Well in my defense I’ve been kinda busy and going through some weird stuff. Nothing I can divulge here- too many ears (or would that be eyes) that might get offended.

The remainder of the trip to Michigan was where we left off I believe. It went well the whole thing from Missouri to Michigan only taking 15 hours instead of the 18 it took to go the other direction. Thank goodness for the GPS my father in law loaned me. I got to spend a bunch of time hanging out with my cousins while I was up there and that was a blast. Being in Michigan is almost like being home for me because throughout my life it has been the one constant for me. My dad got remarried and the house where I grew up is no longer the same. My mom moved more times than I feel like counting so that the place where she lives is no longer home to me. But my grandparent’s house still looks the same, smells the same, has the same furniture, and walking through the door is like walking back in time to my childhood. But sadly the place was never built to be a permanent residence- more like a weekend retreat- and years of abuse by us grand kids (we were tough on the place) and an increasing inability for my aging grandparent’s to keep up with the place (that has stairs and 20 acres) has  reached the point where it probably isn’t fit to live in. My poor aunt has been working to get them to an assisted living facility near her and things are finally moving in that direction. My grampa wants out of the country- he’s tired and its hard for him to keep up with everything that needs to be done that my gramma can’t do anymore. My gramma on the other hand isn’t quite in touch with reality anymore. She has convinced herself that this is all just a phase that will pass and then she’ll be back to her old self. But the truth is she’s on the edges of dementia be having cataract surgery in September, (the excuse for the move to assisted living for now) and above all that, she’s 82 years old. So this trip had some very bittersweet moments for me. I got to spend quite a bit of time getting to know my cousins in their own rights as adults and had a chance to update the memories of all of us spending summer days running free through the pines on my grandparent’s property. I learned that the two other granddaughters and I share many of the same likes, dislikes, and random personality traits and its wonderful to know that I’m not alone out there. Our lives have shared some very odd parallels at times that I have only recently discovered but they are things that have shaped us into the women we’ve become.

Returning home was the hardest part of all. I was so happy to see Jarell and my home, my dogs, my fish (yes a few of them are still around) and even my sorely neglected garden but it was so hard to leave the family that I’ve only started to get to know. I’m alternately homesick and ecstatic to be where my husband is because no place is truly home without him. I have friends here too that thanks to Facebook I’m reconnecting with and for that I am so thankful because I realized when I got home how truly lonely I’ve been. I get along with Jarell’s family most of the time (altho currently I think they’re mad at me because I exploded about some stuff at home) but my friends who knew before I became Melissa Sisk are a treasure. They knew me when I was more carefree before I had to grow up and be responsible and when I talk to them I am able to reclaim some of that youth. Now before any of you comment on my age I know I’m not very old but I feel ancient in my soul and its dragging me down. If you’re only as old as you feel then I’m 70 years old with my worries about money, family, and life in general. Middle aged at 23 and not sure how to go about being young again because I’m not sure I ever was. I know theres a difference between being responsible and feeling old but I’m not sure what it is. So for now I’m going to do my best to keep in touch with my youth and hope that something changes soon.

The other big change in my life came only yesterday. This may seem silly to some of you (well okay most of you) but it makes me sad. I’m a mechanic’s daughter and as such grew up loving a good car. When I bought my first vehicle (an 87 Toyota truck) it was love at first sight. It reminded me of the truck my dad had when I was little (his was an 85 so the body was a little different but very similar in many ways) and even tho it was more than I had initially planned to spend I bought the truck after the dealer agreed to replace the radiator. I learned to drive in that truck and it got me to and from work and then helped me move back to Missouri when I came home. We made an unplanned stop in Denver and got the oil changed which proved to be a mistake as we barely arrived in Missouri but it got us there. It cracked the head however and so my dad replaced the engine. The truck was running and driving great again and got me where I needed to go with no complaints. Its overdrive was…. quirky and so we had that repaired. Then it needed the starter motor replaced (I called that one but no one believed me till it went out). Finally last summer it was sluggish. It would start and then die when I put it in gear. But only when I drove it. On the rare occasions that Jarell or my dad drove it, it put on a brave face and ran like a dream but I knew it was sick. Then one day, as I hopped in it to run up to the mailbox, it started smoking like a chimney- billowing clouds of yellow smoke. I drove the hundred feet back down to the house and shut off the engine. My dad asked me to restart it to see what the smoke smelled like but it wouldn’t even turn over. Ever since then it has sat with promises of getting it fixed. The problem has been that either we didn’t have the money or my dad didn’t have the time- we’ve never managed to line the two up together. So yesterday after a great deal of thought I decided that we should put it up for sale as is so that someone else can get a decent vehicle with some work put into it. We’ll probably get less than a 10th of what we have in it and I can’t even say that I’ve gotten my money’s worth because I’ve owned it for 4 years but only actually driven it for about 1 year and a half out of that time due to one thing or another. So its a sad deal all around. But as soon as I can get Craigslist to function properly I’m listing it there and it will move to sit at the front of our property. I won’t be surprised if it sells because it has had offers made on it even when not running due to its extra long bed and being an automatic. But I’m sad. Its going to be like losing a friend when we sell my little truck.

Memories July 25, 2009

Last night I had the chance to relive some of the most wonderful memories of my life. Memories made with friends who are very dear to me. Memories made sitting backstage in a crowded pit orchestra, running wild around the school on a weekend during a rehearsal, riding endless school buses for hours to play or sing somewhere, standing onstage in front of any number of people giving our all. Last night I got to watch Bubs (J13) make some of those memories for himself and I have little doubt that in years to come they will mean just as much to him as mine do to me.

Balancing act

I have had the privilege of watching him grow from a young child more likely to hide if there was a strange girl in the room to an awkward teen trying to make everyone happy while hiding out himself in the shadow of his older brothers to the confident young man I saw last night both up on stage and afterwards with his family and friends.

My handsome husband on the left and Bubs on the right with other Sisks in the picture

Bubs* we are so proud of you kiddo!

*names have been changed by various family members over the years so that now only a select few of us even know his real name any more and thus he goes by Bubs, Bubba, Bogus, Boy etcetera

Friends July 9, 2009

Well today I spent an inordinate amount of time online looking up old friends on Facebook. It was fun and sad all at the same time. I found two profiles for old friends who I know have died in the last couple of years and seeing their faces hurt. I found friends who I have thought of often in the past ten years since I moved to Missouri. It was kind of strange puting the faces that I remember so well together with the people they have grown into. I can’t help but wonder if after all this time they even remember me but I guess…. theres nothing I can do if they don’t, right? That Kenney Chesney song “Who you’d be today” is playing and it kinda fits. I wonder who they are today- these people who I grew up with so many years ago.

In other random news Jarell and I were talking last night because I wanted to see about getting some sweet corn to plant. He asked me where people used to get seeds for corn before there stores. I explained that farmers would just save a few ears from the previous year’s crop and let them dry. He looked at me and said, “You mean every one of those kernels makes a whole stock of corn??” I laughed and said, “Yeah didn’t you know those were the seeds? Just like almonds and walnuts are seeds.” He then replies, “So you could grow an almond plant?” and then the conversation moved on to other garden dreams. I had to laugh because I now know my husband will probably never be a gardener. He cracks me up sometimes….

Interesting Adventures January 4, 2009

I was strolling merrily down memory lane this evening with my 8 y/o niece and it brought to mind some funny memories.

• When I was 14 I was in band and my friends were too or they were in the choir/drama class and we were all doing our yearly musical which happened to be Oliver that year. After our big 5 hour Saturday rehearsal a couple of weeks before the show opened seven or eight of us went to see a movie at the new theater in town. It was a busy night for the theater as they’d only been open a week or two and the line stretched around the building. Waiting for ‘Love and Basketball’ was slow and tedious, but we were 13 and 14 y/o’s with lots of sugar in our system so we did what any kids would do under the circumstances- we adopted the middle aged couple in line in front of us to be our new parents. And wonderful people that they were they went along with us telling us to behave. “Mommy can I have some popcorn?” “She’s touching me!” “Can I have a puppy?” “Where do babies come from?” etc. It was a jolly time and we all ended up in the same movie and they got a kick out of it as well, but to this day I still remember how they made our evening.
• Another memory was our rides on the city bus system. There were a lot of… special people that spent their days roaming the city bus systems. The old woman in her colorful hats and jackets that argued with the window next to her. The girl who jumped an imaginary rope with her reflection on the side of the building. The guy who yelled at the voices to shut up and leave him alone while listening to his discman. And all the very friendly, too friendly people who wanted to introduce us to ALL their personalities.
• We danced with stop signs  and light poles and tried fitting friends in mailboxes. On rainy days we walked home in the gutters till our baggy jeans were soaked to our knees.
• We had duels in KB toys with the toy light sabers.

In Remembrance July 12, 2008

6 years ago give or take a few days, my aunt Marti lost the battle with cancer that had been raging in her body for just a short year and a half. She found out about it in early 2001 about a week before her mother’s death. The cancer was removed, but somehow it snuck past the doctors and moved into her brain and set up camp there in an area where its malignant tumors were inoperable. So my aunt who had always been active and kind of an angel to everyone was confined to her bed. When her hair fell out, her husband shaved his head so they could have the same hair cut. He kept her laughing and for that we were grateful. My mom and I went and spent a long weekend with her in June of 2002 singing and joking about old times. She was my mom’s little sister and since they were only about 2 years apart, they were pretty close. The youngest of 8 they tended to stick together as they became adults. When I was growing up there were two aunts who had made the move here to Missouri and Marti was one of them. She taught me to make pillows for my Barbies and had the most awesome Super Mario games for the Nintendo. She let me turn her swingset slide into a water slide and put up with countless hours Carmen SanDiego on the computer. She was the aunt that I only hope to be and tho she never had any children, (her first husband convinced her to get a hysterectomy at a very young age) she was wonderful with us. We stayed with her when my mom had a nervous breakdown and she made it less scary that my mom was in the hospital for two weeks. When she died there was a service held in Osage Beach where she had lived, but a couple weeks later there was another one held for all the family in California in one of the towns where she and my mom grew up. I was out there visiting my mom and so I went. My mom had written a song for her and we sang it at the memorial. Then my aunt’s ashes were scattered over the Pacific Ocean at Pacific Grove. It was a rough couple of days where I tried to be happy that she wasn’t hurting any more but was home with her lord. At 16 thats hard. At 22 I miss her more than ever and I know my mom does too. What I took away from this tho was to love those who are still around as if tomorrow might not get here. Lives are often cut short well before we’re ready to let someone go so I try to make the best of the time I have. I know this post rambles and is long, but its hard to stop the memories.

Light a Candle by Frieda Bacon

Light a candle to remember me 

No more sorrow

All is as it should be

Open your eyes

Open your eyes

I am living on in the skies

Light a candle to remember me

Stand and bear witness

Love is my legacy

Open your arms

Open your arms

I am living on in your hearts

Oh how lovely to be with you here

My sweet reunion

All my loved ones are near

Look to the flame

Look to the flame

I am dancing on just the same

Look to the flame

Look to the flame

I am dancing on just the same