Open letter to my body

Dear body- I have some words to you. Lately you’ve been sending mixed signals so I’m going to have to address these issues.

Brain- Lights out means bed time Not spin on your thumb time while running repeats of the most recent activities i.e. things I was researching on the internet. Because honestly? I don’t want to dream about having a contest to see who can build the best haunted statue- its just frustrating.

Lungs and head- Its just a cold- get over it. And quit throwing a temper tantrum and hocking all that nasty green stuff at me cuz I’ll put you in time out if you don’t behave.

Breasts- I want to thank you for remaining patient with our lack of proper facilities. I understand that you are forced to put up with supporters that are either spineless and frankly degrading or back stabbers who only pretend to uplift you. Through all of this you have remained firm and upright in your morals and I know you have a heavy burden to bear so I thank you.

Skin- Again with the allergic reactions? Seriously??? Cuz you never had a problem with gold before so whats this new anger issue whenever I try to wear my wedding ring? You guys got along for well over a year so I don’t understand why you’re all of a sudden so bitchy to each other. The rings did nothing wrong and in fact they rather enhance your paleish complexion. Suck it up and get along!

Vagina- I have a hard time calling on you today, but I feel I must also thank you for finally getting with the program. You waited plenty long enough and you still have your episodes, but it appears you’ve finally gotten off of whatever high horse you thought you were on and admitted that he’s pretty good at what he does and I for one am thoroughly greatful.

Esophagus- quit holding on to that food just let it go. Carrying a torch for someone who doesn’t love you will only cause everyone involved pain. Chips- let em pass. Water- its good for you so quit pretending that you’re walking on hot coals every time it comes along. Most of all turn out your pockets and release the prisoners because I don’t think I can take much more of your sneaky ways.



3 thoughts on “Open letter to my body

  1. Breasts, hello. We are Dana’s knees. Nice to finally get to meet you.

    Vagina……Vagina??? What happened to you!! You dried up and disappeared when I wasn’t looking. Well, sorry about never actually LOOKING, but you know what I mean.

  2. I’m sure in a few years my knees and breasts will be introducing themselves to each other as well because when you’re a DD you tend to sag early….. Bah!

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