Earlier this week Dana had a post that looked strangely familiar to me and then it hit me- it was a joke that had been my answering machine message for a couple of months earlier this year. It got me thinking. See this summer I went on a quest to make my voicemail more interesting and found this website. Well I found tons, but there were a few that were personal favorites and I thought I’d share them with you all as a way of copping out on a post today. Enjoy!
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ’em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!
Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!… Don’t…! No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Computer generated voices:
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
2: …and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
1: I didn’t expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: Oops! And your message message.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, great, we’ll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
This conversation may be recorded for quality and training purposes.
Hi, you’ve reached the phone of Melissa Sisk. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, please remain on the line and your message will be taken in the order it was received.
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello. I’m in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure… I knew you could.
E’llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious”.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ’em and we slab ’em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.
Hello, you’re caller number nine!
You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we’ll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we’ll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.
Cheers TV show theme song, “Where Everybody Knows your Name”:
Sometimes you make a call,
Where you gotta leave your name,
‘Cuz I can’t come to the phone,
You gotta leave a message here,
right after the tone.
You made a call,
Where you gotta leave your name.
Hear the ring, inside our home.
Once again, can’t get the phone.
So please be polite,
You know that it’s right,
And leave a message when you hear the tone
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone… tone… BEEP
can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
And my personal favorite that I currently have as my voicemail….
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!