So yeah they’re 11 days away. Ten really because seriously who has time to do anything on Christmas eve, right? So I’ve been crafting my happy butt off when I haven’t been having random meltdowns. Our house hasn’t been a very happy place to be lately. It’s complicated so don’t ask unless you want a long drawn out email from me cuz I can’t go into it here.
Back on topic tho. Knitting. I don’t have pictures. Why? Because I’m an idiot who has forgotten she owns a camera. I wrap the presents and then remember that oh yeah I meant to take a picture of those. Fortunately I made stockings today and since they’re by nature not wrappable (is that word?) I did manage to take pictures. Unfinished for the most part but pictures nevertheless.
Pointy toed elf stockings to be exact. I’ll be stuffing the toes so that the toys and goodies don’t get lost. I also plan to have pictures and a quick tutorial tomorrow (altho you shouldn’t hold me to that) for a quick pipe cleaner poinsettia that is adorable as a present topper, ornament or my personal favorite a hair bow.
Things have been insane enough around here that I can’t even remember what else I’m supposed to be making for people. Lots of not talking, no fighting, some slamming doors, one day of almost total phone silence because my dear husband left for 5 hours without telling me. I was not happy and the fact that I couldn’t talk to him meant that I thought he was mad at me. He wasn’t but by the time he got home I sure was.
But I was wandering through blogland today and I saw a quote that made me sit up and take notice. I have not been too very happy lately. Stressed beyond belief. The family stuff has been… really rough to deal with. Money as always is an issue. Christmas and all the inherent expenses isn’t really helping matters. Jarell made it through the Virginia job with slightly more than he would have made if he’d stayed home so that wasn’t much help. And when it all gets to be too much and I need to leave, to get away, to breathe air not made stagnant by all the anger and frustration welling up in me at home… I can’t. I don’t have a car. I was more upset with Jarell the other day because he got to leave when I couldn’t but I wasn’t able to. The truck is not at my disposal the way it is his and I was pissed as hell that I’m not allowed that same luxury. And I’m human. Our *gasp* sex life has been far less than satisfactory lately. He’s stressed and tired too and so he’s not interested. Whereas I being stressed and tired am aparently too interested. Ugh!
But I digress (and probably disturb but that’s neither here nor there since this is my blog and my domain) I was going to say that somewhere along the way I have forgotten to be thankful for my wonderful life, husband, home, and world. I adore Jarell with all my heart. He makes me smile when I’ve forgotten how. His bad jokes have me laughing til I cry. And I need to remember that there is much worse than this. I need to remember that this is in God’s hands and he is working things out. Its just tricky sometimes.
Last night I had a wonderful dinner with the aforementioned dearest husband at the Wafflehouse of all places. It was wonderful. On the way home we passed a man who was holding a sign wanting to hitch hike to Columbia (about a hundred mile drive) We couldn’t help him (taking him with us would have done more harm than good) but I handed him the rest of the cash I had in my wallet knowing that he needed it much more than I did. And I felt that that small simple act may have been a start towards returning to myself. I want so much to be myself again.
I’m not proud of a lot of my thoughts and actions of the last year- they are things which shame me beyond belief- but I hope that by taking responsibility for my actions again instead of trying to excuse them by blaming others I will get things sorted out. It’s going to take some time and some emotional housecleaning, but it will be done. Some of you may know what I’m talking about, others may have no clue and that’s alright. Those who need to know, will and those who don’t … well you won’t. I’m tired of this crap and I’m done taking it lying down.
Happy Freaking Holidays!!!