4 and a half weeks left

I can’t believe that’s all there is til my due date. I found out I was pregnant very early on- I was only about 2 weeks along from conception when I took the test- but of course they measure from the start of your last cycle so at this point, I have gone the same amount of time as I had left when I first found out. (That’s very confusing, but read it slowly and it will make sense I think).

I’m starting to get to a slightly panicky/ sad stage because the baby shower that was in the works never happened. My sister in laws and mother in law threw a wonderful little shower when we were down at the lake a couple of weeks back, but it doesn’t look like there will be a shower that includes my side of the family and my friends. I realize this is a sad statement on my own family that no one cared to do this for me, but I was under the impression that it was all taken care of- my sister in law and I had come up with a date and a theme, and she asked for my address list, but that was as far as it went. I guess this is where not having close friends outside of my husband’s family becomes a downside- no one to throw a baby shower for me. I know I shouldn’t complain, but I was looking forward to the fun of doing a girly shower with games and decorations and hoping (selfishly I know) that I might get a few more necessities checked off the list before I had to go buy stuff. I had so much fun with the registries- finding things that we needed and I loved- but I could have saved myself the trouble since no one remembered I was registered anywhere until it was too late.

I’m trying to be positive about all of this and remind myself that I have a ton of clothes now and a few blankets and things, but its hard when I keep thinking that that’s it- no furniture, no bath, no first aid items, none of the other things I would normally consider baby essentials except the diapers I’ve been making and a diaper cake worth of disposables. Money is tight right now- we’re just trying to pay off the last third of the midwife’s bill (and do it quickly since I totally spaced on the date we needed to have it paid by) so that doesn’t leave much for buying the glider I desperately want for rocking her to sleep in or the crib I would love to have for nap time (we plan to co-sleep and I know at first I’m probably going to be sleeping right along with her, but there will come a point when I can lay her down maybe and then where will I put her? Jarell will be sticking close to home starting tomorrow when he gets home from Iowa so the larger paychecks that we’ve been relying on to take care of extra expenses will be gone and we’ll be back to the just barely pay the bills type of paychecks.

I know things will work out- there are many people who get by with much much less- but its very hard not to be sad when someone asks me when the baby shower is and all I can say is there probably won’t be one.

Trying to get away from all this negativity, there are wonderful things happening too- I get to have Jarell home for the next  several weeks and that is beyond awesome. I told him I loved him so much I would go through being pregnant and giving birth if it meant keeping him close to me for that long ;). This job in Iowa has stretched out so long that I hardly remember what its like to have him home for long periods of time. He’s been home for more than a week at a time a few times, but always working long hard hours (except when he ended up in the hospital last August) that kept him gone almost as much as if he weren’t home at all. I’m thankful that he will be here close by for quite awhile to help me with the things that still need to be done like turning my craft room into a nursery and all the other heavy lifting that I haven’t really been able to do for the last couple of weeks. Most of all I’m thankful to have my partner and best friend home with me when I need him most for emotional support. Its hard only talking to him for 15 or 20 minutes, at most, 2 or 3 times a day. That’s often the only contact we have when he’s working like he is now and it makes me appreciate the time I do have with him so much more than I might otherwise.

This is getting long and pathetic so I’m going to quit while I’m not too far behind. I need to make a run to the store to buy more needles for my serger since I managed to snap the one that was on there and then I need to find some basic canning essentials because I picked 32 lbs of peaches yesterday with my mother in law and I need to do something with them ASAP.