Some people!

So I am usually a very nice laid back individual. I am patient to the Nth degree because I know that everyone has their problems. I worked in retail too so that adds to my ability to hold my tongue no matter what. No, that evil customer is not right, but sometimes its easier to just get them the hell out of your hair by agreeing with them. (unless they’re obviously driving drunk and then you call the cops) Honestly tho I had these traits even before I worked retail because I had a parent figure in my life who I could not argue with period no matter that I WAS right and even the other half of that unit admitted that I was and shouldn’t be in trouble because I didn’t do a goddamned thing wrong (resentful much?)

But there are times when enough is enough and today’s story, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart, is one of those stories.

I was a Walmart Drone for close to 3 years in varying positions from cashier to service desk to layaway to Customer Service Manager. I worked the Garden Center and made keys, worked in the grocery department and cut fabric. I wanted to learn it all because I could not stand spending an 8 hour shift on a register going “Hi, How are you, Have a nice freaking day” I still have many friends in the store where I worked here in Missouri and when I go in there we chat. Well I stopped in there today to cash a check because I had missed the bank before it closed and I needed to buy dog food. I got in line to buy a couple of little paper mache skulls for my Halloween costume and was waiting there while the woman in front of me wrote her check. The cashier (who happens to be the mother of my former assistant manager when I worked at Dollar General) was trying to explain to this well dressed woman that Wal Mart registers won’t take checks that are written for more than $20 over the ammount. Its not possible. Not only that, but her writing it for that amount will not magicly make the cash register change its mind and since the checks are returned to the customer it doesn’t matter if she even fills the darn thing out. There is an override that will let a supervisor do it and also get them in serious trouble with the accounting office when they find out but we weren’t telling this lady that because they never do that for customers. Period. I have only once even seen them do it for an employee, and it was an emergency situation for her. Well Delores, the cashier, runs the check through for the allowed $20 over and gets ready to hand the woman her change when the woman starts getting really mean. She says, “I told you I want it for $100 over not just $20!” to which Delores replies, “The machine won’t let us do that. All it will do is $20 over.” The woman demands to see a supervisor and so Delores goes and gets the CSM who happened to be one that I helped train when I worked there. She came over and politely asked the woman if she could help her. The woman went into her tirade about how it wasn’t fair that if she’d had a debit card she could get the hundred but because she wrote a check she could only get 20. Now I know that all of us watching agreed with her because it doesn’t seem fair, but its a matter of if a check gets stolen, the bank only covers so much and they cover more with a debit card.

At this point I smiled at the CSM and said how much I missed this kind of stuff. And then I said, “But you know what? If I were still an employee here I couldn’t say how much of a bitch some people can be and that would just be a shame!” The woman turned around and said, “Yeah I bet you miss it here. Wal Mart’s trying to take over the world! I hate shopping here!” to which I replied, “Fortunately you do have a choice not to come in here and harass these people. Go shop somewhere else and waste your gas and time and money.” At this point she stormed off.

Customers around us were watching and smiling at the spectacle because the woman had been making a real ass of herself. Delores looked at me and quietly said “Thank you for saying that because I couldn’t have.” and I felt much better. I was shaking from the confrontation but having had too many customers like that myself, I didn’t want to let that attitude of superiority that she slapped us with go unchallenged. And then when she left I thought of a really good comeback and wished I had thought to say. “Of course they’re taking over the world! And you’re helping them with every conspiracy and guilt laden purchase you make at this store!” I mean seriously, if I hated a store that much, I sure as hell wouldn’t spend close to 2 hundred bucks there and yet she had even before the hundred she was trying to get back.

When I left the parking lot, I saw her drive a way in her giant SUV. I’m sure considering that she was on the older side that she was probably fuming about that punk ass kid who called her a bitch in Wal Mart because she looked pissed. I on the other hand enjoyed the sweet sweet revenge and the adrenaline rush. So just remember folks, just because that poor cashier behind the counter can’t say a word doesn’t mean you or someone else can’t. And if you’re going to yell at someone over store policy, seriously??? Don’t yell at the cashier because I guaran-damn-tee that they are at the bottom of the totem pole and all you’ll do is ruin their day.

RIP pillow tutorial

I made a tombstone pillow some time back and at the time I think I made some mention of someday getting a tutorial on here on how to make them. Well with Halloween right around the corner I figured I better get it on here. This is a quick and easy project that packs quite a punch for visual interest I think. Not to mention the cute pun with a pillow having Rest in Peace on it even if only in abreviation.

So here goes.

Step 1: Get yourself some fabric any color is fine. I used grey because, well, they are tombstones after all. A yard will be plenty for 2 pillows- you might even get three or four out of a yard. You will also need some contrasting fabric, the urge to embroider huge letters, or a machine (or someone else) to do it for you. I chose the contrasting fabric in black for my lettering.

Step 2: Take your main fabric and cut 2 rectangles roughly the size that you want your finished pillow to be. Do this for each pillow you want to make but make sure to leave a long strip of fabric about 3-5 inches wide for the edge of each pillow you do. Keep in mind that this fabric has to be long enough or you need enough to make it long enough to go all the way around the edge of your pillow. Thats what will make it boxy and 3 dimensional like a tombstone.

Step 3: Cut that strip of fabric I was just talking about. You’ll want it to be at least 4 inches longer than you think you’ll need but I’ll explain why later. You can measure the outside edge of the rectangle with fabric, a tape measure, or you eye. Its up to you but if you do it before you cut your tombstone shape it will ensure that you have plenty of fabric to go all the way around.

Step 4: Place your two rectangles (per pillow) right sides together and fold them in half lengthwise. Starting on the open edge cut a half circle up to the top so that when you open the fabric up it looks like the picture above. You could do other shapes for this as well- crosses, plain rectangles, and go wild, but I’m lazy and wanted this to be a quick project.

Step 5: Now its time to get that contrasting fabric and a marking device if you’re picky like me, or just some scissors if you’re good at eyeballing these things. I used a white marking pencil but I’ve found that a gel pen works rather well and then you can just rinse it off if by some odd chance its still visible by the time you’re done cutting the letters out. Draw on letters (I did RIP) or a skull which I did for another pillow or whatever you want on your tombstone. (I’ll take pepperoni and cheese)

 

 Step 6: Cut out these letters or whatever you’ve decided as your toppings.

                                            

Now for the really fun part!

Step 7: You can do this several ways but I’m only going to describe 2 because those are the methods I’ve used. If you are comfortable enough with your sewing machine (and if you even have one) then you can do what I did in the above picture. I used a zig zag stitch and painstakingly sewed down the letters with it instead of doing it by hand. It took a bit of cursing and a lot of patience but it was comparatively quick and the seams look so preeeettty when you’re done. The other method I used was hand appliqueing the letters on with some black thread, a blanket stitch, and several good movies to keep my active mind from going crazy sitting there sewing on letters. Either way do this before you begin constructing the pillow unless you’re like me and enjoy sewing stuff on things that are already stuffed. I did that with the first pillow and I like being able to have a firmer foundation, but that may just be me. As an altertive to these to methods, you could use some iron on stuff or glue or whatever but never having used those things I can’t vouch for them but with this the letters will stay put.

I wish I had pictures of this last step but my junk camera crapped out at the end and so of course it was at the hardest to explain part of the project. Bear with please.

Step 8: Did I call the last step the fun part? Cuz compared to this one it was. Take your edging strip, line one end of it up with the center of the bottom of your tombstone shape. This will keep the seam on the bottom of the pillow. Make sure you have the right sides together because otherwise you’ll be like me tearing out the seams when you realize that you’re edges are on the outside. Start sewing the edge to the tombstone following the curves and backtacking the corners if you want. When you get back to the bottom you may have a lot of overlap but leave that for now. Pin the other half of the tombstone to the other side of the edging again pinning it at the center of the bottom and making sure again that the rightsides are together because you’ll feel really stupid if you have to rip out the seams twice. I sure did….. *grins* Now I know its hard to make the seams exactly the same and here’s where the overlap comes in. Sometimes the bottoms don’t line up and the extra fabric covers your ass so to speak when this happens.

Step 9: Stuff the pillow and then sew the bottom shut et Voila! You have a creepy tombstone pillow.

                                                                                                                                                                                          

Creepy Projects

I’m sure some of you were wondering if I was ever going to show you the things I’ve been working on and talking about. Well I have the crappy broken camera so getting pictures is…. a bit tricky…. but I did finally get some taken. This first one is an altered book. The only changes I’ve made at this point are the cover but I may be adding a picture inside that will look like the spell book that belonged to the evil step mother from Snow White. I have it all drawn up but can’t find my sketch book- it seems to have wandered off on its own. The cover of this book is actually paper maché made of toilet paper to get a nice leather look. I then coated the whole darn thing with a couple coats of mod podge, spattered on some Adirondack inks, and a bunch of acrylic paints in various orders. I think I like how it looks, but I may decide differently later on because it doesn’t “feel” finished yet.

Altered book for Halloween

These next pictures are of the oft mentioned not Tia Dalma dress that I’ve been working on. The first is the underskirt followed by the dress itself and finally the corset from hell that was a pain in the ass to make but fits great. The skirt is entirely finished. The dress needs either lacing up the bodice or a belt sewn on and then it will be done. I left all the seams unhemmed to add to that whole ragged look and sewed coins from an old coin bra along the hem so that I’ll jingle when I walk.

not tia dalma underskirt

 

The corset from hell….

The corset needs some bias tape added to it to cover the boning that is actually long zip ties of all things and then it will be done as well. I feel inordinately proud of this costume and can’t wait to get a couple of pictures of me in it so you can get a true feel for the whole thing.

 

Witch

Last but not least are the Witch’s Kitchen supplies that I’ve gotten put together so far. The blue jar on the top left is “Jellyfish stingers” made from hot glue, the top right is a headless grows in water snake, bottom right is “Helles Bros. Powdered Pixies” which is really Hills Bros. cappucino mix, and the bottom left is a grows in water Starfish which is huge in its little pint jar. And several of my late tomatoes worked their way into the shot there as well as you can see. Boy my kitchen looks clean here! If only it was like that in real life LOL!

 

Not Tia Dalma Dress

Redneck Girls

I’ve been sitting here for a while trying to decide how best to tell this story without offending anyone. There have been many mental rewrites to soften harsh facts and morbid truths but no matter how I try the truth cannot be disguised or made nice for the general public so I’m going to just lay the facts on the table and hope that those of you reading this will understand the motives behind my actions. Well maybe I’ll put it in story format……

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved animals more than anything. She hated even to kill bugs that invaded her living quarters (altho she made exceptions for mosquitoes and ants) preferring to transfer them outside or let someone else get rid of them. She grew up surrounded by dogs, cats, goats, chickens, rats, fish and mice and loved them all. As she grew up into a tenderhearted young woman her menagerie was narrowed down to 5 dogs and an assortment of fish. She loved those dogs as if they were her own children and even had an odd attachment to her finned friends.

This young woman was somewhat timid in the face of her own danger, but when it came to protecting her babies all fear disappeared, replaced by a vicious urge to protect at all costs. Fortunately there was little that threatened her dogs- she and her husband lived on a large acreage in the country and most of the animals in their vicinity were either friendly, slow, or more likely to become prey than predators. Added to that was the fact that her husband was a bit of a hunter and anything that might endanger their dogs would be taken care of by him rather than her lifting some of that burden from her mind.

Well as these things often go, the woman’s husband was away on a journey to work in a kingdom far on the other side of the country when danger presented itself in the form of a wild male dog who looked unkempt and unmannered. One of the female dogs was in heat because the woman and her husband had not had the money to get her fixed before she became old enough to draw outside menaces. So the girl was sitting in her house one night when she heard one of her dogs screaming and howling in pain. She ran outside to find the female hooked to the wild male dog in the inseparable position that dogs get into sometimes and her poor dog was half the size of the intruder. He was running around dragging her poor dog backwards on the ground because she wasn’t tall enough to stand up. The woman gently threatened the male dog and soothed her baby until the ordeal was over and then ran like a madwoman after the male, her neon pink bathrobe flapping in the night air, screaming threats that she would act on if she ever caught said male.

Fast forward two days. The woman’s dogs have dug three new holes under the fence and she has run out of things to keep them in the fence altho she believed them to be contained until she heard the howling begin again. She rushes outside in a different set of pajamas after being yanked from sleep by the noise and finds the same two dogs in the same position. She waits until they are unattached before chasing the dog and this time throwing badly aimed and entirely ineffective gravel at the animal’s retreating backside screaming at the top of her lungs.

Later in the afternoon after returning the dogs to their fence with a wish and a prayer she hears the dogs barking by the basement door- definitely not in their yard. She thinks fast and grabs her pink .22 and some ammunition and storms down the basement stairs in a murderous rage. As she assumed, the same male dog is there trying to reattach himself to her dog who has again performed a Houdini act and escaped from her fence along with all the other dogs.

The male trots off a ways while the girl loads a bullet in the gun and fires it into the air. He trots off a ways behind a shop and when she follows him he heads back towards her dogs and the house. She chases him again, firing shots away from the house and dogs in an attempt to scare him off. He is trotting leisurely away now and so she returns to the house and barely makes it inside before he is back. This is the final straw as far as she is concerned. Now she runs after him gun in hand and he seems to sense that she means business because he is moving a little faster. She stops, takes aim, and fires past him causing him to shy away from the bullets now aimed in his direction. He is moving faster now, but not fast enough for her satisfaction. She takes aim again at the ground under him and this causes him to jump. One final shot into the air above his head and he is off like a rocket and well out of range.

Now the girl sits in her craft room typing on the computer watching out the window for that damn dog.

I don’t ever condone violence or cruelty towards animals, but when they cause my animals pain and injure them (Pepper is limping and yelps if I touch her hips) they’re asking for trouble. No I was not aiming to kill or even hurt this dog- I have more self respect than that- but I was sure as hell aiming to scare the crap out of him. I want him to think twice about coming back onto our land and trying to screw my dog again. God I feel like a redneck! Especially with my pocket full of .22 ammo……

Surviving by boring the crap out of all of you….

Well the first couple days haven’t been so bad. My darling dearest is now safely in Portland OR and I’m now just jealous of his being on the West Coast. I’ve been working on my not Tia Dalma costume and have made some great progress. I only wish I could show you. My computer does have a whopping 1.3 megapixel camera and before long I may get desparate and take some pictures with it but I haven’t sunk that low yet. Once you’ve had a 10 MP camera everything else seems kinda paltry in comparison.

In other news? Well there really is no other news. I’m learning how to do (and hate) gathers for this dress. I got the sleeves all gathered and sewed on only to find that a) my rather large arms don’t fit into them and b) that I had one of them sewed on crooked so that the gathers on the right arm were on the top as they were supposed to be, but the gathers on the left arm were nicely lined up with my boob and somehow that just didn’t look right. Go figure, huh? Well I ripped the sleeves off, bought more dye and dyed more fabric for the underskirt and sleeves, but haven’t returned to the sleeve part yet. Instead I spent the evening pinning two extra layers of fabric to the front half of the underskirt (cuz there’s and underskirt and an overdress) so that it looks like theres 4 layers. Is this boring with no pictures? Well I promise it would be boring with them too so I’m sorry.

For anyone who might be interested in making a similar costume, I’d love to share some pointers even if pics are out of the question right now.

Things I’ve learned thus far:

• Mccall’s pattern 5731 is great for the basic colonial style dress. Just leave out the insert of a second color so that you have sort of a robe instead of a whole dress.
• a simple drawstring skirt made with 3 yards of fabric is what I’m using for the basic underskirt. Let me explain that better. I bought 3 yards of red fabric, sewed the ends together so that I had a very large tube of fabric, added a hem at on one side of the selvage and inserted a drawstring. Very easy and really long flow-ey cuz the fabric was 45 inches wide. Since I’m a whopping 5’4 this makes it long enough to go over a large petticoat that is actually a bridal petticoat for a wedding dress. Percfect for the poufy skirt.
• For the extra layers of underskirt, I stitched an old white curtain that had lace detail along the edge to the bottom front of the draw string skirt. This is a little tricky but I pinned it in place with an overlap from the actual skirt of about 6 inches give or take. The rough edges from either end were pinned under the skirt so they don’t show. I added a second layer of another contrasting fabric under this one and sewed it in place with invisible thread. Just little sections of sewing for this layer so that it wouldn’t be so obviously “attached” as I want it to look like I’m wearing 3 layers of skirts instead of just one.
• The dollar store (In my case the Dollar Tree) is a great place to find cheap island themed jewelry either for embellishments or to wear. I got several necklaces for a buck a piece that will be perfect for stringing around the dress as further decoration.
• Hobby Lobby (if you have one nearby) has some awesome clearance finds from time to time. I got 10 yards of decorative fringe for 5 bucks so I recommend checking their clearance sections.
• I made my dress out of muslin from Wal Mart dyed with Rit dyes in Tan and Scarlett. For the dye mix I used all the tan dye as instructed and once the fabric was in the pot on the stove I sprinkled about an 8th of a tsp of the scarlett dye over the whole mess and then stirred it all up real quick. It made the fabric a nice rusty mottled color as if the fabric was very old. This worked about a million times better than the tea bath that everyone swears by. BUT make sure you dye all your fabric in this and a bit extra because otherwise you could end up very dissappointed when you have to re cut a section (like I have to do with the sleeves) and find out your second dye job doesn’t match the rest of the dress.

I will have more for you later. And for those of you who don’t give a crap about my Halloween costume, I’m sorry for all that. *grins sheepishly* but when I get obsessed theres no stopping me.

Separation Anxiety and Me

Well it finally happened. The day when Jarell had to leave for Oregon finally came and he left about an hour ago. My almost SIL was here to see J7 off so we were together temporarily in our shared pain. Are we big sissies who just can’t deal with the men in our lives leaving for ports unknown? No not really. I know we’ve got it better than military spouses who send their loved ones into danger and hang in there any way, but we don’t have to enjoy being separated from our mates either. Jarell is not just my husband, he is truly my best friend as well. And I get lonely without my friend here by my side. Fortunately its a busy time of year for me what with the upcoming holidays and all and I have a colonial style dress to make and embellish so I should be able to keep busy, but the nights are long and lonely and my friendships are mostly long distance. Joni in Texas, Nessa in NorCal, Cassie in Iowa, and all of you in your respective home towns. J11 has been distant towards me of late and I don’t what I did to offend. Richie, my almost SIL has invited me to join her for the last day of the Ren Fest and we’ll hang out a bit because we get along well and share many similar interests, but she has her own friends near her home and her home is a good 40 minute drive from here.

Last year I filled the void left by Jarell’s being out of town with work and shopping. Shopping is good, verdad? But this year there is less money and gas, altho down to $2.71 is still rather expensive for regular jaunts in a gas guzzler like our GMC. I live in the middle of nowhere and civilization is a 20 mile drive at best. Thats about 8 bucks just to get there and back without buying anything. So I’m going to hole up here for the most part and make a couple of well thought out trips into town for some special goodies once Jarell gets his first check. Its a union job so it will pay well and he’ll probably be able to take the whole winter off work so that makes up for it a bit. I should be thankful that he has such a well paying job that is guaranteed in these uncertain times- people have to have wells and mine ventilation shafts and pumps for those wells. It may not seem feasible to city folks, but for those of us living in BFE, these things are necessities. (well maybe not the ventilation shafts, but the well stuff) So I won’t complain that we’re getting the money. But I do object to him being gone. I could have gone with him, but we have 5 dogs and not everyone is as devoted to making sure they get fed every day. Once a week is enough for some people…. so I just can’t run off and leave like that. I’m jealous tho- I want to be on the West Coast. With him of course, but he’s so close to the ocean and my other home. Sorry today is a sad day for me. Hormones that go with that time of the month don’t help matters any. I’ll be better soon. I’ve got a dress to make and a house to “haunt.”

You may hear less from me because with his being gone, I want to keep the phone lines open in case he calls…. In case something happens… I’m thankful he’s not flying, but the closer to instant gratification of knowing he’s there safe is lost when he drives.

Also there will be no pictures till he returns because he has the camera.

So I’m going to be boring and mopey AND pictureless! *grins* I’ll understand if you give me up for lost and boring.

A bientot

Oh no its that time of year again

The time of year when I feel the uncontrollable urge to make myself a Halloween costume. This year since we’re going to have a fortune telling tent, I thought I’d be a gypsy. And then I thought, Hmmmm gypsy- been that like 3 or 4 times already…. kinda boring….. But I was resigned. And then I watched PotC the black Pearl and was reminded of the character, Tia Dalma.

Now I’m not black so thats out, but the dress is amazing so I can’t resist the chance to make my own version. I found these pictures in my research.

I got a Mccalls Pattern for a dress that is similar to hers and with some alterations it should work for me. Fingers crossed, right. Will keep you posted folks.

Potentially newsworthy but probably not

Ever have one of those weeks where the biggest happening is your visit to the dollar store? Yeah well that was my week and for the most part that is my life. That is not a complaint because I am very happy with the every day happenings in my life- I like things to be calm and reasonable and steady and safe. These are good things. It just makes for a boring blog. I prefer not to bore you with my hours of Spyro the Dragon domination (yes I’m a bit of a video game geek) or my hours spent perusing the internet for that perfect project. My dogs and their antics are rarely amusing altho Tinkerbell is soooo cute when she grabs my hand with her paw whenever I try to stop petting her. Can you tell she’s the favorite? The bits and pieces of my life are very simple and sedate and therefore not necessarily tales worth telling to the general public.

I can tell you that this week I have gotten more objects (of food thank you very much!) stuck in my throat than I care to count. This evening when it was a chocolate chip (that is still a bit lodged) J11 looked at me like I might be a bit slow and asked about my swallowing abilities. I felt like an idiot believe you me, but I know this whole thing is not my fault. A lot of it has to do with the fact that my throat is swollen up from this lovely cold that the young ones shared with me. It feels like someone let a cat loose in my esophagus and that particular cat had a scratching post fetish. The rest of it is because of the pouches in the muscle wall of said esophagus. Apparently my ass ran out of fat retention pockets so now my throat is installing built in storage.

In other news I have begun the final countdown for Halloween. We’re planning a big party this year and I’m all about the decorating. My current project searches I will share when I’m not feeling so lazy about doing the link and photo thing. Currently in the works are such wonders as the creepy growing starfish in a jar, Jack Skellington’s head (maybe), A fortune teller’s tent (in our tent from this year’s camping trip), skeletal hands made from Crayola model magic clay, and maybe even a costume if I have enough time.

Finally the truly newsworthy. Well maybe just to me, but eh we’ve had the talk about whose blog this is, right? So I didn’t marry my husband for his looks and the sex- those were like super bonuses on this pleasure cruise that is my life. (As an aside because I know you can’t hear me, I am not being sarcastic here- I love my husband and my life and I’m not afraid to brag about it) Well he is especially wonderful when I’m sick like I am right now. So the other night (and here comes a bit of an over share) we were in the mood if you know what I mean and he’s kissing nuzzling my neck when all of a sudden out of the blue he asks, “Hey would you like a massage?” And in my head I’m going, “Dearest is water wet?” But since my voice is almost gone from this nasty cold I merely sighed a wheezy yes. Well he snags this massage oil that I bought at a craft fair once apricot oil in some delicious scent called fruit salsa and OH MY GODDDDDD I turned into a large slightly feverish puddle of me. Sorry about the bragging for those of you not fortunate to have your own love god(dess) but this is the interesting parts of my life. That and our evening watching the sunset yesterday in the back of his sexy ’79 Blazer aka the Ultimate Redneck Mobile.

Picture this- a field of blowing grasses bordered by trees on three sides. If you zone out enough the sounds of the nearby highway could be a babbling brook (okay maybe if you had enough hallucinagenics) and the sun sets in a ball of fire. We chat happily about this and that, snuggling together because there is a brisk breeze and the cap is off the back of the Blazer. He tells me he loves me and calls me a brat. I tell him I love him and call him a butt head. We have a very special relationship- very romantic. LOL. In all reality tho, he makes me happier than any one else ever has. Yes I know- make myself happy and I can, but Jarell makes me happy too. He’s a wonderful man and the perfect fit for me.

So a simple life, but a very good life.

Open letter to my body

Dear body- I have some words to you. Lately you’ve been sending mixed signals so I’m going to have to address these issues.

Brain- Lights out means bed time Not spin on your thumb time while running repeats of the most recent activities i.e. things I was researching on the internet. Because honestly? I don’t want to dream about having a contest to see who can build the best haunted statue- its just frustrating.

Lungs and head- Its just a cold- get over it. And quit throwing a temper tantrum and hocking all that nasty green stuff at me cuz I’ll put you in time out if you don’t behave.

Breasts- I want to thank you for remaining patient with our lack of proper facilities. I understand that you are forced to put up with supporters that are either spineless and frankly degrading or back stabbers who only pretend to uplift you. Through all of this you have remained firm and upright in your morals and I know you have a heavy burden to bear so I thank you.

Skin- Again with the allergic reactions? Seriously??? Cuz you never had a problem with gold before so whats this new anger issue whenever I try to wear my wedding ring? You guys got along for well over a year so I don’t understand why you’re all of a sudden so bitchy to each other. The rings did nothing wrong and in fact they rather enhance your paleish complexion. Suck it up and get along!

Vagina- I have a hard time calling on you today, but I feel I must also thank you for finally getting with the program. You waited plenty long enough and you still have your episodes, but it appears you’ve finally gotten off of whatever high horse you thought you were on and admitted that he’s pretty good at what he does and I for one am thoroughly greatful.

Esophagus- quit holding on to that food just let it go. Carrying a torch for someone who doesn’t love you will only cause everyone involved pain. Chips- let em pass. Water- its good for you so quit pretending that you’re walking on hot coals every time it comes along. Most of all turn out your pockets and release the prisoners because I don’t think I can take much more of your sneaky ways.

Melissa