Happy Birthday Dana!

So today is Dana’s birthday and she had one simple little request. She wanted some linky love- not a big thing to ask for so I’m doing just that. I also thought that since I haven’t gotten around to making her a card (mostly because I just feel that cards are not my forte and quite frankly if cards are not your forte you shouldn’t send one to the queen of cards) I would make her a collage. But I couldn’t come up with a subject and being the procrastinator that I am I was short on time. And so I decided to just share one of my favorite shots of Dana.

Looks pretty good for her age doesn’t she?

Updates and maybe some laughs

Pepper is finally home. The story is that the asshole vet wouldn’t let us take her home on Saturday without payment in full because ten years ago one of his vets killed one of my sister in law’s horses and then my MIL and FIL refused to pay for the malpractice that the idiot committed. He was trying to tube feed a horse and he said the thing wasn’t working but my MIL was standing there telling him that the horse’s stomach was swelling and then the poor animal’s stomach exploded when he kept pumping it full of food. As amazing as this sounds, the vet still wanted to charge my in-laws 650 bucks after all of that. Less than 20 minutes of failed treatment and the vet who did this is still working there now. So when the vet saw our last name he refused to allow us to make payments of any sort even tho it was obviously an unplanned emergency and on top of that he charged us 15 dollars a night until we could afford to bring her home. I couldn’t trust myself to right about this calmly at the time so I just tried to keep in mind that she would be taken care of by proffesionals and it would be better for her to be in their care then in at our house.

Well Jarell brought her home yesterday and she was tottering around as if she hadn’t moved in a week and knowing the bastard vet he probably had her in a cage much too small as further punishment to us. She’s lost a lot of weight- she was 40 when I took her in there and now she’s down to closer to 30 or 35 and skin and bones. Now I know this sounds like I’m over reacting, but this man didn’t know when we were coming in there to pick her up last Saturday and yet when we got there his staff had been instructed to send us to him if we had any questions about payment. When we went to see him he knew the exact amount that was owed to him by my in-laws and told us what it was as if it was somehow our fault. Apparently not too long ago he saw my MIL in a store and harrassed her about how she still owed him money. And I swear to god I would never darken their door again if it weren’t for the fact that Pepper has stitches that need to come out in a week. As it is, I plan to make sure word gets out about this vindictive man and his questionable business ethics. The fact that they refused to see a cat of my sister- in-law’s that had been hit by a car because of who her parents were requiring a trip to their regular vet 40 miles away. The trouble we had. And of course the information about that poor horse.

So now having written all that, I re-hee-heally need to laugh so here you go.

Things heard in our house that sound dirty but actually aren’t

• “Charlie is a little fat titty.” -My 3 y/o nephew describing J11’s kitten
• “Four play works but not for very long.” -J13 talking about getting all 4 controllers to work on the Wii

Things heard in our house that are dirty but just sound weird

• “I would, but I don’t want to put my hands on anything that might be in my mouth later.” -Jarell commenting on my suggestion of strip ping pong. (because of playing with a ping pong ball that kept landing on the floor)

Things heard in our house that are just plain strange

• “I need a good sock to blow my nose on. Cuz they keep in 99.9% of the snot.” -Jarell being manly

And now with that delightful image, I bid you all good night.

Inspired

Earlier this week Dana had a post that looked strangely familiar to me and then it hit me- it was a joke that had been my answering machine message for a couple of months earlier this year. It got me thinking. See this summer I went on a quest to make my voicemail more interesting and found this website. Well I found tons, but there were a few that were personal favorites and I thought I’d share them with you all as a way of copping out on a post today. Enjoy!

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ’em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!

Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!… Don’t…! No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Computer generated voices:

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
2: …and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

1: I didn’t expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: Oops! And your message message.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, great, we’ll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep

 

 

Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This conversation may be recorded for quality and training purposes.

Hi, you’ve reached the phone of Melissa Sisk. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, please remain on the line and your message will be taken in the order it was received.

 

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

 

Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello. I’m in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure… I knew you could.

E’llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

 

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious”.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

 

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ’em and we slab ’em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

 

Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

Hello, you’re caller number nine!

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we’ll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we’ll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.

 

Cheers TV show theme song, “Where Everybody Knows your Name”:
Sometimes you make a call,
Where you gotta leave your name,
‘Cuz I can’t come to the phone,
You gotta leave a message here,
right after the tone.
You made a call,
Where you gotta leave your name.

 

“Winter Wonderland”:
Hear the ring, inside our home.
Once again, can’t get the phone.
So please be polite,
You know that it’s right,
And leave a message when you hear the tone

 

Beethoven’s Fifth:
Nobody’s home.
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone… tone… BEEP

 

I

can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

And my personal favorite that I currently have as my voicemail….

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!